Limbo

Not in my comfort zone, not in my dream zone, but somewhere in between. A miniscule almost imperceptible dot in the dash between my birth date and unknown but inevitable death date. So what will be my epitaph? Lots of self-help books tell me that to self-actualize involves finding the life mission other people will put in pretty obituaries or gravestones at the end of my life. Truth is, I cannot even define what the best sentence would be.

I will be lucky to be able to put “good practicing Catholic”, and audacious about my future to say “good mother and happy grandmother of many.”

The funny thing about the whole exercise of reclaiming my life energy and fashioning it into something new is that there is this particular period of awkward. Like being attached to ropes at the edge of a cliff, but you have no go signal to do the bungee jump.

It’s that painful ellipse in a sentence. It’s the hang in there until God knows when. It’s the you’ll figure it out sometime hopefully soon in this lifetime.

Sometimes I want to grab the sleeping bull by the horns but I know control is an illusion. It will eat me up like quicksand, as opposed to going all Zen and jedi about all these happenings and non-happenings.

Today is the middle of a huge what now that is hopefully not turning into another wtf. Imho, I am too old for original wtf moments and I am retiring from that tiring, always moving my butt type of response. These days, I have worked the hardest but also the calmest. It’s not like the frenetic quality that I gave to my old demonic workaholic days.

I just know that new things are happening. But I am in the middle eye of it. I hardly feel the changes. Am in some sort of blind spot of the developments but while tangibly it is difficult to pinpoint, a semblance of progress has been made.

At this point, I can no longer unsee what was seen. There are no reverses or returns, just a continuous plodding in this awkward phase until I reach the destination where it will someday make sense.

I’d like to think that the long stretch is veiled from my sight so that I’ll have room for the awesomeness that lies beneath the cover to my future. It’s always good to stay optimistic and simple.

So there. Hello, awkward in between phase. Really hoping you prepare me well for that unknown thing coming up next. I just know something’s coming and I need to do my best to prepare well.

A New Direction

I have been ruminating on a single topic all week since I read  James Clear’s article about how your first choice in things is rarely the optimal one. And it made so much sense to me. I was being particularly hard on myself about how I did not figure out too early which industry I find most suitable for me. Other people are lucky enough to find it in their first strike.At this point, some people find it quite laughable to make career changes. But then again, I read about these Aeta grandmothers who trained in India to become solar engineers. I no longer see any excuse why I’d be so afraid to try new things or switch gears at age 29.

I had to basically try and meander my way through things before I actually figured it out for myself. The findings? Apparently, I had to create something new from some old things mixed with new ones brought about by technology. It is a massively scary prospect. Its probability of failing is of a higher proportion than just getting a simple day job.

What did I have two entrepreneurial parents for, anyway? The fact was, I became too cautious as an adult because I saw the disadvantages on my parents. The volatility of the entrepreneurial life requires a certain level of resiliency and I was unsure if I had it, if genetics allowed these things to be passed on to me. I was particularly praning about the financial stability part because enterprises can either top the charts or tank when it’s no longer able to dynamically survive the changes over the years. Having said that, I saw how they worked on their respective ventures. I have a mental database of their efforts and as I try this out on my own pursuits, my respect for them has increased so much.

These days, I am being pushed towards the non-traditional track. Tbh, it frightens me but I am all up for the challenge. The sound of the universe’s booming voice have become so loud that I can no longer ignore it by means of comfortably snuggling up to a day job (in hindsight, comfortable and snuggly are debatable words to use on a day job experience) for a twice a month paycheck. I have realized that what I do intensely in 2 hours is not something that I can stretch to 8 hours, that all those energy and time management hacks that I am trying out require actual field testing in my daily life. This won’t be possible if I am working on a paycheck paradigm. I am a breadwinner and this is a very tough call. Each day that I don’t turn up something as frequently as I have before makes me feel really bad about myself. My target is to forgive myself more quickly and convert the energy of worrying into working into pursuing these new lines on the horizon.

So, this is the blog post that signifies exactly this: I hear you, universe. I am going to try something new and if it messes up, well, I tried. I will try another thing in case and hope that I will arrive at a point that it frigging works. Recent results have been encouraging; something is actually working but it’s too early to tell if it’s going to mean success in the next 7 days, 7 months, or 7 years.

Certainly feels like jumping off the cliff without a harness. Whether it’s rocks or water underneath, it’s a go.