Limbo

Not in my comfort zone, not in my dream zone, but somewhere in between. A miniscule almost imperceptible dot in the dash between my birth date and unknown but inevitable death date. So what will be my epitaph? Lots of self-help books tell me that to self-actualize involves finding the life mission other people will put in pretty obituaries or gravestones at the end of my life. Truth is, I cannot even define what the best sentence would be.

I will be lucky to be able to put “good practicing Catholic”, and audacious about my future to say “good mother and happy grandmother of many.”

The funny thing about the whole exercise of reclaiming my life energy and fashioning it into something new is that there is this particular period of awkward. Like being attached to ropes at the edge of a cliff, but you have no go signal to do the bungee jump.

It’s that painful ellipse in a sentence. It’s the hang in there until God knows when. It’s the you’ll figure it out sometime hopefully soon in this lifetime.

Sometimes I want to grab the sleeping bull by the horns but I know control is an illusion. It will eat me up like quicksand, as opposed to going all Zen and jedi about all these happenings and non-happenings.

Today is the middle of a huge what now that is hopefully not turning into another wtf. Imho, I am too old for original wtf moments and I am retiring from that tiring, always moving my butt type of response. These days, I have worked the hardest but also the calmest. It’s not like the frenetic quality that I gave to my old demonic workaholic days.

I just know that new things are happening. But I am in the middle eye of it. I hardly feel the changes. Am in some sort of blind spot of the developments but while tangibly it is difficult to pinpoint, a semblance of progress has been made.

At this point, I can no longer unsee what was seen. There are no reverses or returns, just a continuous plodding in this awkward phase until I reach the destination where it will someday make sense.

I’d like to think that the long stretch is veiled from my sight so that I’ll have room for the awesomeness that lies beneath the cover to my future. It’s always good to stay optimistic and simple.

So there. Hello, awkward in between phase. Really hoping you prepare me well for that unknown thing coming up next. I just know something’s coming and I need to do my best to prepare well.