To say I am busy is an understatement. But I don’t count it an achievement when personal things are being affected by this busyness. Last week was particularly rough on my personal life. I missed three important events in my friends’ lives: my inaanak’s first birthday celebration, a good friend’s wedding last Thursday, and a multiple-time failed attempt to visit my bestfriend’s sister in the UST Hospital after a scary excessive bleeding episode. (To top that off, my friend MD had his flight to the US middle of this week and I did not even get a chance to meet with him before he left. Sniff.)
The last one of the three things, I actually fought for three straight nights against rush hour and election traffic but to no avail. Sadly or not sadly, I don’t have the luxury of time to feel horrible for a long time because this week has been SPINNING with crazy things. I just basically feel numb and I know that something is very wrong with my time these days.
This weekend, I just decided to let go of the limitations I had last week and decided to focus on personal matters for a change. I chose to visit my aunt in Mary Johnston Hospital, do something for my mother on Mother’s Day (come home to see her, for starters!), and visit the father I have not visited for almost 7 weeks. I was certain my father is already close to disowning me given the small time I give him these days. Fortunately, he is still there and he still loves me as of 12 noon today.
Three personal decisions this weekend did not cancel the three non-decisions. I’m spent. I’m spread too thin. And I’m not close to finishing things because they all just decided to combine their deliverable and due dates this month, for some twisted reason.
And then I think about why this urban culture is so heavy with work hours (
why I did this to myself), and if I could have gotten an alternative career that would have allowed me to be there for my friends when they need me or be there when they want me to celebrate with them.
Some days, I don’t recognize myself anymore. It’s like I am in this very subhuman state of mind where it’s all really just about getting things done. It’s not even problems with a particular client or my boss.On the contrary, I am in a very good place.
It’s more of me being the main problem as a worker, with my inability to say no and my propensity to jampack my calendar like there is no tomorrow. I need to streamline my very own self and go back to a simpler lifestyle, similar to the one I had in years prior.
And sadly, people get under those things that need to be done. I just feel like I am violating my life’s principles lately and I need to revisit those principles again. I used to put in my CV that I am for work-life balance but I never really have the guts nor the resources to pull it off, you know. I just let tasks roll over me and now I am crushed beneath all the weight of it.
I ask myself if this is all worth it? I envision a different thing when I imagine my future, and while I cannot share it here, I must say that changes have to be made sooner or later to make those dreams a reality and not a distant and irrelevant figment of my imagination.
That might cause me a lot of self-absorption. But if it gets me to the very bottom of things, I’d be willing to temporarily shut out the entire world just to figure things out.