I am not the one who knows how to mince words. The flaws are apparent, and I even had the audacity to photobomb the patron saint of appropriately frank people, Saint Bartholomew:
When I was young, I was actually as docile and submissive as a mouse. Unfortunately, I was taken advantage of precisely for that reason. At that age, it did not work well for me. I was bullied by small-minded people with the maturity of a gnat. I would have accomplished a lot of things. Things happened, and I know that there was more to it than meets the eye. There was nothing to look back to after that dark episode of my life, and I knew that the things I experienced there were to shape the course of my life.
Life was colorful, but it was not without its requisite crosses:
Parish of Immaculate Heart of Mary Antipolo- Crucifix
When I was young, I went to San Roque Cathedral in Caloocan. It was a tiny parish, then. While people went out to play, I really sought God because I saw a lot of things inherent in this local society at a young age. I had questions, but no answers. And I basically lived life for so long without answers until I had my own means as an adult, until I was free enough to form my own opinions without having to be subjected to others’ preferences, dreams, and visions for the way I should run my life.
At an early age, I was exposed to politics, peer pressure, and the toughness of being a poor scholar in a private school. In college, I kind of had some form of blossoming but it came to the point where I had to temper the strength I built for years.
I became a survivor, and in the middle of that mess, I decided to seek the spiritual side of things to get to know myself better and to heal myself of wounds from the past.
Only in my late twenties will I come to embrace myself fully for all my defects and strengths. I learned how to wind down, unaffected by what others think. And when I journeyed to elusive self-discovery, I was delighted to find that I had more life, light, and love to give to others:
With my latest baby sister Grace Ann
I had to deal with a lot of things about myself, even ones that I was not exactly very happy to face. But I did that because I wanted to become a better person. Fortunately, there was love that makes all things possible.
As I opened my mind and heart to new things and changes, there was an immense amount of wisdom that came from various sources.
I realized that even if I came from the borderline of Gen X and Gen Y (millenials), the baby boomers had a thing or two to teach me: the tenacity, the stability, the reliability, and the humility of accepting even menial forms of work as an avenue for growth.
Mommy Mary and Daddy Seth at the Rosary Garden
I gorged in a lot of reading materials in my quest for gaining knowledge and mastery of how I should move about in this world, and I only gain enlightenment in strides. Despite this, I am fundamentally thankful for the defective devout person I am, and the better person that I hope to eventually become.
Parish of Immaculate Heart of Mary Antipolo’s Beautiful Blessed Sacrament
Sometimes, I just stop thinking. For a few minutes, I just look at the Blessed Sacrament. It gives me some sense of peace. In the host, He allowed Himself to be broken. He was Goodness and Perfection, and yet He allowed people to treat Him unfairly. It is quite hard for me to fathom how that can be done by me. I tend to like matching an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. As I temper my tendency to slay the outer dragons, I don’t win the physical war but I win the battle that rages within myself. And this is how I know that I am growing despite my defects.
I have learned to see people as inherently good, only bogged down by respective flaws. And that it takes a lot of respect for the human race not to criticize people harshly, that it takes a lot of inner waging battles to overcome my skill of “editing” people (and not just editing words on a manuscript)… I managed to have more peaceful relationships with various people of different life vocations because of my decision to look more on the good things, and to properly establish boundaries in my relationships.
Parish of the Immaculate Heart of Mary Antipolo Parish Priest
with Antipolo’s political figures
I also developed the acumen of detecting abusive people and energy sucking relationships. After purging the toxicity, the essentials remained and I became happier with the relationships I managed to continue building…
In addition to ceasing from the compulsive urge of being brutally frank, I have learned to be more one with nature, the ultimate demonstration of God’s sense of order, beauty, and peace.
The Rosary Garden’s Area
I wish I can just meditate on this tranquil goodness for long periods but there is still a lot of work to be done after I refresh myself in these peaceful places.
When things get too hard, I usually know instinctively where to go…
And I am fully convinced that when you share a huge thing like a pursuit of faith, relationships strengthen despite the dangers of damage brought about by our respective flaws. It’s not perfect, it takes a lot of work… But with love, nothing is impossible to endure or work on…
Helen Mary with Mommy Mary
I also realized lately that it’s okay to be weak and to ask for help and to seek others’ counsel, that not all people are out to get others for their personal gain.
That it’s okay when other people seem to succeed after they take advantage of you, or if other people decide to talk badly of you… It’s okay, for as long as you know yourself and that you are running your own race to becoming better over time. That others do not approve of you all the time.
Also, it’s okay to hold another person’s hand as you go through the best and the worst of times.
Because when you realize your moments of weakness, you get the fullest measure and potential of your strength.
So this is me now, still a work in progress but I am completely at peace with whatever that means.
Parisian Shoes adorned with Ugat XD
fascinated with life,
and FINALLY FREE. 🙂
Parish of the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Hinulugan Taktak Road, Fairmount Hills Subdivision
1870 Antipolo, Rizal
(02) 696-4387, 697-0344