A Little Mind Monologue

I can no longer remember the last time I wrote here. It felt like ages. I haven’t written offline, either. And it made me sad. Something happened which made me want to stop writing. Then, I realized that I am doing myself a great disservice: not doing what always felt like my source of strength in good times and in bad.

The funny thing is that I have been writing everywhere for various causes, reasons, and platforms except here for the last few months. It’s sad. I mean, I totally love this blog and now there seems to be digital cobwebs on it because I have not posted anything despite the numerous things that happened to me.

This blog is really a jumble of things. It does not have a targeted set of readers (but surprisingly it draws in board exam takers up until this point) and it’s not fixed to a single theme of topics. It’s a smorgasbord of thoughts, ideas, dreams, feelings, reviews, and whatnots. And I have content that goes way back 2004, with posts that make me cringe and shake my head in disbelief. I do not delete those silly posts no matter how silly they were. They were footprints of the person that I was, a part of what made me who I am now.

Like a good hangout which feels like a second home, this blog is where I always keep coming back. When I am elated, when I am wounded, when I am neutral and filling out a pocket of time in between tasks and life hacks. It’s that place where I create just for the sake of creating and the reward for me is the creation itself.

After several months of introspection and a few spells of anxiety, I underwent massive paradigm shifts. I look at things pretty differently these days. It’s both good and bad. Good, in the sense that there was a lot of internal growth. Bad, in the sense that I find it hard to regain my footing again with this new way of seeing the world– the old ways and methods of survival no longer work in this new terrain that I am in, and it terrifies me sometimes.

How am I going to cope with all these major changes? I seem bombarded with changes recently and I am happy to report that my bouncing back rate has improved considerably. I have bigger problems now but I seem to be getting better at centering myself amidst it.

But what am I going to do next? This is my most pressing question.

I have to keep moving because life does not stop when you feel confused. And in my panic and sheer drive to answer this question, I ended up turning to retail just to amuse myself while I try to figure things out. That resulted to some strange and funny purchases this month: a cross stitch kit, a crow quill pen and an ink, a bunch of adult coloring books, and online courses from Udemy given their Black Friday ten-dollar blowout.

Yeah, that was really a strange bunch of things to buy.

Too early to ask myself if this is a midlife crisis as I type this out in the middle of the night, way past my bedtime. All I know is that I have to learn to be more kind to myself because this self is some form of engine that cannot afford to break down, not for a few years at least. There are people counting on me to maximize whatever is left of my sanity. 🙂 

They always write articles about depersonalization syndrome from excessive internet usage. That dehumanizing feeling is not an alien concept; it really happens. And it happens so often, even if you are not on the internet!

Sighs.

I am going to let myself be sucked in by the vortex of my cross stitch pattern, adult coloring books, and quill pen for the meantime. And since those are self-imposed tasks, I might as well blog about the experience later. Or maybe I’ll find something else, we never know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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