Midway through my roughest and most unpredictable year, I have had post-snag-in-the-road paradigm shifts. I realized intently how much I do not know and this has helped me in my recovery. I do know that we only get defeated in this life when we stop fighting. So I do that every single day, still, especially when I do not feel particularly interested, engaged, or motivated to do so.
Before, I used to think that when a huge door closes, I have to settle for tiny openings or windows. I realized that life is not traditionally designed, that there may be bigger doors to replace small doors that have been closed or that you can be in a whole new house or paradigm altogether. What I ended up having this year is so far from how I planned my life to run in the next five to ten years. It used to bother me a lot that I had to veer that far off course. I did realize that it was not actually off course; I am redirected and the original plan was the one which deviated from where I am supposed to be right now.
I still make plans but I unloaded myself of the compulsive need to control every circumstance. I used to manage with a vice-like grip. Now, it’s more like water with an occasional steering only when absolutely necessary. And this decision has reduced my problems in half.
My faith in humanity has been restored recently. The last time I felt like this was when I was fourteen years old. Now, I am back to seeing the good things in people again. I used to think I am much too desensitized or unwell to regain that huge loss. There is no amount in any monetary currency that will match this gain for the year. I am just genuinely happy to find it inside again.
At this age, I have learned to evaluate situations in a more time-efficient way. I do not flinch in stepping away from situations, dealings or friendships that make me feel unhealthy, unsafe, and uncomfortable. And this has saved me my time and life energy, rechanneled back to general goodness and pursuits worth taking.
Clarity is a gift given when all the dust has settled. This is the hardest year. This is the best year.