INFPnesssss and the Digital Cavewoman Life

A friend made me panic after she tested INFJ two days ago from an online website, so I decided to test myself again this week. According to my friend, she tested ENTJ two years ago!!! Anomalous, right? What if I became an E or something? So I quizzed myself again. Still an INFP. Yay and occasionally nay.

The last time I was employed in corporate, I was an INFJ. I noticed that the J was very useful in meeting deadlines. It was very helpful that I was able to develop that while working in the traditional sense of things. But even when I can socialize with some people, I really remained an introvert in the deepest corners of my heart.

For the last few years, I usually just swing between P and J, really. So it’s good to know that it’s back to my natural P-dominance and I did not become someone else in the last few months that I have been living in a cave.

I did feel some changes, but it was more of a restorative type of change than an ugly, degenerative one. It’s like I am getting my balance back but it’s stronger and it’s longer and even when circumstances are harder now, life is more beautiful and people are more lovable and I am in a good place.

Sometimes this positive mindset will be challenged so I am logging one of the good days for safekeeping — I log so that I will be reminded of how far I have come in managing the swings of life and how I ought to keep on doing so until my last breath.

It did help that I cut out some unhealthy relationships and I focused on quality than quantity. That circle of trust is quite small but I am happy with the ones I have left in there. I managed to let go of two toxic relationships this year– one last February and one just this month. It’s one of the best decisions I have made this year. Those two demanded a lot and drained me completely. Immediately after I let go of these toxicities, I started feeling happiness and lightness in my being. Sometimes you hold on to the wrong sorts of people and they keep you from pursuing what you are supposed to become. I had that moment of epiphany after I made the decision and I saw good things started pouring in after I let them go. And that was not the only thing I had to cut loose this year.

This year was really life-changing.

Ever had that experience where you did not plan any of the things thrown your way and you were led to an unknown situation and it turned out to be the best for you? I had that this year. Totally not what I expected of my life. But what I thought was hell at first turned out to be a very good place.

It’s a threshing floor that separated the chaff and the wheat to make all my efforts more fruitful.

Last year, I was really hell-bent and I planned my life to a science for the next 4-5 years and despite my “foolproof” strategies and tools, NONE OF THE PLANS worked.

It was like, literally, the doors started shutting on my face one by one as I tried to implement those plans. Then one day in February, the biggest door slammed and I had nothing. I really had to basically start from scratch.

(For a few weeks, I wanted to bang my head and raise my fist to the sky, but seriously, what good would that do?)

I am addicted to task lists and I really struggled with the overhaul. So what did I do after relinquishing my compulsive need to control all aspects of my life? I TOOK NEW RISKS. I MADE NEW TASK LISTS but I no longer beat myself up when plans fail or things do not go as planned.

For some sense of structure, I partially planned my life again and continued to fight despite the unpredictable things. But this time, I learned to only create task lists for around 3-5 hours of my day and not from waking time to sleeping time. 

I leave the rest of the ‘unplanned’ time to figure out and breathe and relax and just heal and LET LIFE HAPPEN.

And I allowed me to be comfortable with saying no. I said NO a lot this year. The things I said no to is not a popular choice for some people. Happily, I do note that those same people won’t be there to pick me up when I am broken, overbooked, broke, or completely bonkers.

I have to learn how to choose how I spend this time, an irreversible and non-renewable resource. I took command of my life again and it’s a liberating experience.

I was initially afraid that I’d be a worthless bum with my new groove but it was wrong to live life with such a fear. I was quite happy to discover that even in a small bedroom, I can make my own tiny happy paradise of productivity. I did not trust myself enough that I will be able to make it. But I did. And that’s my biggest realization this year: I don’t need external things to fuel me to pursue something of value.

I worked but with a lighter routine. I relaxed. I gave myself the pampering that I have denied my entire being for almost 2-3 years now.

I found myself a cozy, quiet, little, happy corner that all INFPs will love to mentally frolic in. I found a place where I can just quietly rest and think of my pet projects (you know, those impractical dreams of childhood that did not make sense to anyone else but makes so much sense to me).

I learned to dream again and I got back to the basics of being a human being, and that is to be of a sound and quieted mind.

 

At first, I found it difficult to relinquish control but eventually I just gave in to the inevitable and I was surprised to find– a unique flavor of STRENGTH plus a certain, unexplainable but pervasive sense of peace that you cannot buy anywhere. CLARITY was back. I was not moving hastily and without knowing what the move meant. It was slow, fluid, and clearer than the sparkling waters of a clean ocean.

My concerns these days are so different from last year’s. I am just thankful that this is where everything led to. I really thought that I am done for after February. I thought that my life is over. But no.

As it turns out, it was only just the beginning.

 

 

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