It is much easier to get busy than get to know myself most days. Because when busy, I do have the legitimate reason to delay the inevitable. It’s facing the self, my most formidable opponent.

I am getting in the way of my dreams. And this is a realization of adulthood.

That I tried struggling against the ropes that bind but find that it is still me holding the other end that is keeping me tied.

It’s a hard lesson but I am happy to learn and think about that now. A chief weakness of this illness is self-absorption lack of empathy. Because it’s the trait that requires an enormous amount of compassion reserves. And when sick, it is far much easier for me to be hard on myself than take things in strides.

Sometimes, we are all so fragile and we bruise others just by being our very own selves. We do a thousand good things but get remembered for the one bad thing. This world is starving for empathy. Often, we see things in the distorted lens of our prejudice and experience. Truth is, we cannot pass judgment on another because we don’t really know them no matter how many years you’ve been together. There will always be a mystery, a blind spot, an elusive piece of the puzzle that will keep us from finding out enough to judge anyone.

It is a very good realization. There are people who nurture, and those who don’t nurture inflict pain but still teach a hard lesson. Nurturing or not, it was all necessary for certain things. It was necessary to live, refine the cycle of the lifestyle chosen, and have the courage to live again in spite of what you find in others, and what you find in yourself.

I used to think that life is linear and unmoving. But it’s more of a series of abstract swirls that go different ways. TherE is no pedictability. Your old allies end up being your enemies. Enemies can become friends. Friendship can wither. Support can be withdrawn. Connections that used to be your lifeline can fail. It just happens. Acceptance is necessary to have a tree of empathy growing inside, big enough for the self and for others to happily take shade under. 🙂

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