Good discussions are always a better stimulant than coffee. This morning, a good friend sent me a link to an article about Leo Tolstoy. It was my real breakfast. (I had hotdogs, egg, and pandesal, physically speaking.) It was one of my most sober reading materials this week. I had been questioning my priorities in life for the last few days and waiting for all the flighty dust to settle before I take another step.

It’s really interesting– all the things you find about yourself when you have regained your time and you become able to fashion the use of your life’s best energies in any way you please. Everyone else have their work grinds to mind themselves with. When you are with yourself and you are fashioning the use of your time in a non-traditional way, it’s freaky and awesome and intense. 

It’s a different kind of power because you do not have the structures to hide to and only have yourself to answer to if you screw things up. You have power in the corporate or traditional ladder, a path that I have tried, that I have seen people climb, and I no longer see myself doing as much.For others it is a tool for productivity. For me, mostly it’s a miasma for the mind that tries to think more clearly about things.

There’s another completely different but parallel domain where you concentrate on what you have and make the most of it, where you step back and go back to the basics. Whatever path people choose, productivity is a non-negotiable thing. With the many things that can be done, I am astounded at how much time is being wasted. But then again, everything withers. And like what the article on Tolstoy said, people react to this information in different ways.

Meaning of LIFE. It is quite heavy to ponder on and I might hit a dead end. I will never find all the answers in this lifetime but I have to live my life to the fullest, just the same. Last night, I was chatting with another online new friend about life’s work and he was asking me: “What is it that you really want out of life?” I have no ready answers or clear-cut ones. Just some vague, ‘pageant-ish‘ world peace answers or something like a better future for children. And it does not make sense because it’s not clear. It’s like going somewhere with all the fire but no clear direction. I think that’s the fundamental issue of this month which makes me question the meaning of things more often than usual. And now that I am actually digging through it than piling a mound of mindless work to numb me and keep me off the issue at hand… I think that I can get closer to a better answer if not the complete one.

I am going to take things one stride at a time, I guess. It’s no use getting everything wedged up just because I don’t know everything. It’s okay not to know everything. 🙂 It’s perfectly okay. And right now, this place is fine as it is. The answers will come when I am ready for them.



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