For years, I have always struggled with trying to conform to what people want and expect. This is written at the very point in time when I have firmly decided to be real to myself, to unfollow shitheads in social media and in real life, and to just go for where I belong, not force myself painfully to what society or anyone expects like a square peg painfully trying to fit itself in a circular hole.
Control is an illusion. You do good or not and shit will still happen. You cannot always trust who you are with. You cannot count on promises because they are made to be broken. We may make the most elegant of life plans but things that can go wrong will go wrong if it can.
Despite that, we continue to try to wake up each morning with hope even when the night before you feel like jumping into the darkest depths of the pitch black sea. And just for waking up and resisting the urge to kill yourself is a tiny victory that you need to celebrate. And you struggle with it every single day.
You try to be nice to a complete asshole of a person and you will never get any guarantees that this person will not mess with you. You enter willingly into commitments without really knowing how much it cost. You punctuate your pain with silence because silence is the only language free of external judgment, belittling or any form of ostracism often by and especially done by those who can hurt us the most.
The futility of trying to explain yourself is a useless exercise, a waste of energy that you can no longer remanufacture. You have to sit still even when you are completely stuffed and suffocated with the shit lying around. And you have to keep a straight face.
It is just useless. In retrospect, if you are going to squander away your life’s resources which are too finite, every single second you spend with a horrible or harmful person is a painful waste of time and everything. So make sure that the person beside you is worth all the pain. Otherwise, you need to prune and limit your list of people in your hang out list.