Sorry, Not Sorry

This morning over breakfast, I heard one of the most paternistic views about marriage: it’s no use if you do not have children. This was declared to me when I tried to explain why I was up until 1am last night finishing my Coursera Data Science assignment.

On my third week now and I was very lucky to get free financial aid for a Signature Track in Data Science at Coursera. It’s a nine-month engagement where I can try to learn the basics of data science and incorporate it in my field of study.

I tried enrolling in a similar, locally offered and offline course here in Metro Manila and it costs almost Php 100,000. Imagine! This is really it. I am convinced at how I should work hard to juggle this with my job. This is for me. The job is for the Filipino people and my husband. The kitchen things are for my husband. The money is for my family. But this data science course, it’s for ME. The one thing that I can call my own, for once.

It’s a venture that I have embarked in mentally and I want to finish it. I have already sacrificed a tremendous amount of time checking on my friends and family just to balance this new venture, and I will see it through to the end.

I saved 100,000 pesos in exchange for around half of my weekend working on the quizzes and assignments until 2015. Am I tired? Yes. Am I happy and thankful? Hell YEAH. But it does not seem to sit well with everybody else.

Instead of being happy for me, they are asking me to cut down my ambition or avenues for professional growth in order to make babies. 

It’s hard to be a working woman. They think I am working too hard; quite frankly, everyday it feels like I am not doing enough to scrape through my life goals. 🙁  But I do my best. I always do my best. It’s so intense, that sometimes, I forget to eat or sleep.

That’s why it really pisses me off royally when people are not doing their jobs. Because I’ve got my own problems to deal with and there are emotional slackers who take advantage of hardworking individuals (who are still not good enough by everyone’s standards for being unable to make babies).  

I do relax and make time for preventive measures. Yesterday, I went to a nail spa and painted everything red. I called in a genuine sick leave last Friday and took a badly needed bed rest.

No phones. No internet. No project management. Just in bed for the whole day. I responded to personal messages I have ignored for weeks. I made a mental note of grocery items I need to buy for the house. I wrote on my diary and thought long and hard about my life and where it’s going.

I know that the primary end of getting married is building a family. But even if you have sex every night, if it’s not meant for you, it’s not gonna happen. My vagina can cry all it wants but if the Heavens forbid it, it’s not gonna happen.

Well, it can happen with in vitro if you have a million pesos to burn just to make sure that your egg cell and his sperm cell go together seamlessly in a petri dish. I can barely make half a million per year and they expect me to manufacture babies at the speed of light.

Once you get married here, people think you have a factory of babies under your skirt. Everybody with their baby bundles on Facebook make it all look so easy but it isn’t. 

I understand the need for kids but it upsets me deeply if they all sound as if I am not trying to make one. My own mother even asked my husband to take more supplements the last time we went home. It’s really bat shit crazy, all that baby-making pressure.

“You’re hitting thirty soon, this is not good…” Ugh. Seriously, now?

I am painfully aware of my biological things, so stop pressuring me!

After the first month of getting married, I immediately went to the top OB Gyne in Metro Manila just to have everything checked. There are certain things that make it more difficult for some women to conceive.

I feel vaguely sad about it, but I have other things going on in my life like my job and learning how to make peace with the kitchen so that my husband can have a decent breakfast. Suddenly all of my life things took a backseat in favor of forming an offspring.

Seriously, since when did a 100,000-peso free online intellectual training sound like a threat to my uterus?

I know they all mean well. But with the frequency of hearing it, it’s like I’m reduced to an animal who is deemed useless unless able to propagate the species.

And yes, I am still doing my Coursera assignment at this hour of a Sunday morning because I love it and appreciate it. Now, I repeat: this intellectual pursuit is not a threat to my uterus. 

Now that I have made my case quite strongly in the playground of my thoughts, I resume my life-sucking pursuits. Sorry, but I am not sorry.

 

 

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