Frankly, I never thought that I will ever reach this point of saturation known as compassion fatigue. But I have done so with certain people this year. I think 2014 is the highest concentration of my defense mechanisms actively eliminating bullshit from toxic people.
Scientifically, they called it secondary traumatic stress. It’s when you get so much external stimuli of shit that it comes to a point where you become cold and unable to sympathize with the source of the toxicity and pain.
This year was the only year I really had it in full swing, I think. I think I have around 5 people who elicited this response from me. It was really very difficult to go back to my old empathizing self after I suffered from the trauma of unending bullshit.
I think I am especially prone to losing my compassion reserves when the person perpetuates the painful condition by blatantly making more stupid decisions despite warnings and sound support from friends and family. Some people just don’t listen but expect never-ending drama sessions.
In a nutshell, I got tired of helping people who do not like to help themselves, not even to pick up the pieces. There are just some types of people who expect others to carry everything for them and make things even heavier for those who have taken on the liberty of helping them get out of their slump. Some would even have the feeling of entitlement that they deserve good treatment from me after dumping me and overloading me with so much shit. They use their problems as an excuse to harm other people with toxicity.
I know, it’s the most un-Christian thing I have ever written in my entire life. Yet, I keenly feel it as some sort of after effect. Last month was probably the worst of it.
I guess after all that has happened, I am now more or less as cold as ice and I do not know how to bring the warmth back. It has helped in eliciting business-like efficiency but little in the way of relating and nurturing people.
Much of the warmth is artificially manufactured or completely forced out of me. I am exasperated. I never really saw this coming but right now, I am practically frozen and inundated, like I no longer have room for excessive feelings. It’s kind of hard not to blame the people who maxed out my compassion this year, but I take responsibility for succumbing to the worst of this compassion fatigue episode.
Now, I’m just in this calm and flat state where I don’t really care for these toxic sources as much as I used to. Now, I just want to get things done.
Is this a sign of adulthood or is this the cancer of this impersonal and gadget-fueled generation?
I’ll just wait, see, and discover for myself as the days roll by.