The Dark Side of Wedding THINGS

“Oooh… Aaaaah…”

That’s what people say when a woman is about to get married. You will see bright pearly whites flashing on the latest wedding magazine covers and cute fondant cakes and dresses for flower girls and bridesmaids. You’d think and dream of having it someday. You think that it’s all about walking in that precious aisle and looking pretty, with everyone gawking at your dress. You say yes in your engagement and feel so awesome, tears welling up in your eyes with that bling thing on your ring finger.

Goes without saying, I went for the traditional way of getting married here in the Philippines. And this means humungous expense,  a kilometric gown, a fight for the guest list, and a bunch of spoiled brats in the entourage and guest list cauldron.

Some people say they are envious of brides. But here is the other side that the wedding magazines, wedding industry, and wedding suppliers won’t exactly tell you in detail about getting a traditional church wedding.

Just like the many things that piss me of royally, I have decided to write about it now while I deal with my pimple problems due to excessive stress from these items I have painfully discovered recently. My supposed beauty rest is not really working as well as I had planned in my tiny head a year ago.

Truth be told, all I wanted was an elopement wedding. But I am not the only one deciding in this lifetime event and I had to abide by tradition to honor the man that I love.

He is worth every single tear I have shed since this ordeal began and I will not trade it for anything. And partly, he was right. We cannot cut out the family and close friends in this big decision together. So we decided to enter the lion’s den in this wedding planning shizz.

For the benefit of dreamy readers, here are some things that you have to watch out for, a.k.a the horrible GREMLINS under that bridal gown train with the killer Elizabethan corset.

1. Other People with Too Much Entitled Feelings

You will encounter people with so many opinions at how wrongly you are doing your wedding.

They  will eat unlimited amounts of rice and whine unbearably during the gown fitting that the designer can’t zip them up and throw a tantrum about how ugly they look with their dress. They can just throw tantrums from your taste in colors, motifs, and themes.

You will find suppliers who will verbally agree with things and not deliver even when you have sold your arms, legs, and organs just to pay them on time. You go back to their shop every week and they all just give you more schedules to fix and deal with and more tantrums to defuse from dissatisfied people involved in the wedding.

You will write task lists, check lists, and all other lists to ensure that nothing goes wrong but it still goes wrong anyway because YOUR SUPPLIERS DON’T FUCKING READ IT.  And they make you feel like you are just one of many even if they call it your “special day”. You cannot help but feel that you’re just another statistic in their money making enterprise. You actually are.

And this is compounded by inconsiderate people who throw their weight around and feel that their preferences and ways of doing things are more important than that of the bride’s and groom’s in their event.

We pay for the shit and we get more shit from basically everyone. 

You will actually feel tempted to commit manslaughter in the face of this prima donna-ness. But you have to hold your horses. But slowly, you cut them out of your life and circle of trust in sheer disgust. When a person messes with your life at such a crucial time as this, it is quite difficult to forget the hassle they caused and you tend to REMEMBER it vividly.

2. The Mess-Communications

This is biggest shit load of all. No need for words to explain.

3. Things Falling through the Cracks

So, I made this comprehensive PDF document lining up everyone’s preferences and deliverables.

But even if I did that to avoid problems, these suppliers are not robots and they will still do it the way they want. Your entourage will still condition their hair 24 hours before the hair and makeup session despite the artist’s requirements.

I threw away the fucking task list (which I worked on vigorously for THREE DAYS) last night after I realized this. Fricking wasted my time conjuring that up. It’s still chaos and mayhem anyway.

4. Severe Fights with Your Partner

Mr. Right does not seem so right when you are fighting over tiniest to biggest details.

But he still is that person. Somehow, that wonderful person you are to marry is hiding under the wedding preps stress cloud that you are both under. You just have to remember that when he screams at you over gowns or something. (“No I was not screaming. You are not listening!” Wails. Sobs.)

You really  have to LOVE the person to endure this heightened level of stress together.

5. The Fierce (Sometimes Bloody) Tug of War in the Guest List

Two words: BLOODY HELL. It took us all of ten months because we fought tooth and nail for the first six months to put in everyone.

Conclusion: Nope, our wallets cannot possibly handle everyone. I don’t want to make everyone happy with their thousand peso plates while I go broke for a year trying to pay off a sizeable loan.

Sorry, but I am not sorry.

6. Non-RSVPing Douches who Actually Show Up

I was like this before at my cousin’s wedding. Spell KARMA, bitch. This really sucks. You cannot even tell your caterer how many people will be there because some did not bother telling you if they were coming or not.

So you just put a bunch of maybe’s and heaven knows if they are coming. But you still pay for their plates even if they do not materialize their asses in that day. Money does not come from trees but there are monkeys in your guest list, who cannot even consider your plight for the head count.

7. The Perpetually Moving Calendar of Events

This really lost my patience for real. I set schedules and can you just imagine how many lives I have to get a common time with?

You get people who work, study, and do their stuff.

And you have to find a single day in the calendar that works for EVERYONE.

This totally sucks and I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this.

HATE.  I will never finish typing HATE in this part.

8.  Your General Feeling of Dread for the Things You cannot Control

Here is a short list: What if it rains and blows off the roof of the church? What if my suppliers die while they do their deliverables? What if I die? What if I trip on my long gown? What if my gown does not fit anymore after eating this pasta? What if people don’t come? What if everyone comes? What if I wake up looking like shit on the morning of my wedding or with an allergy attack? What if someone tries to ruin my wedding (and believe me, even in that intimate guest list, there are non-well wishers you cannot kick out!) ? What if I just dissipate? What if the world actually ends on my wedding day? What if the traffic eats up my time and the church closes on me?

What if… What if….

The Gorgonian heads of hatred, stress, fatigue, and anxiety do pile up and can make you this monster called bridezilla.

Yes, I am not even denying it. I am going bananas right now with these what ifs. I pity the poor souls who will cross me from today until my big day because really, THERE WILL BE LOTS OF BLOOD.

I am no longer in the phase of life where I can tolerate unnecessary shit that people manufacture naturally. Not this time. And probably, not ever.

9. The Immensity of your Lifetime Commitment with that One Person

THIS. Well, this is something. You start feeling the immensity of that commitment. It builds up like a huge bile that goes up your throat and it stays there until you say those words. I DO.

You love him so much and you think if you can handle having kids, if you will make a good mother or a good wife, if you can learn how to cook something other than hard boiled eggs, if you can learn how to embrace another person who lived in a different way and will have completely different habits as you…

You just want to give this person everything, beyond what you can naturally give sometimes. You actually agree to all this crazy jumanji-like chaos because you know that this will make the other person happy.

You think of yourself, what this event means underneath the shitty entourage tantrums, supplier woes, and bridal prep stress.

You think of how you will be leaving your old life and begin this new and unknown one, and not be sure if you are cut out for the requisite hardships and strength that married life requires.

(As you think of this, you think too of the shitheads who pressure you all the more with their insecurities and life issues as you think of this HUGE life decision and you want to grab an axe and cut their heads while you get your bearings together. But you only dream of it, it’s illegal to carry it out.)

So there. In case you are feeling envious about anyone’s wedding gown, think of the gremlins under the train and be thankful that you are not yet subjected to it.

I wish I could say I am the only one with this problem. But if you google bridezilla and unhappy brides, you will find a plethora of horror stories that not even the biggest wedding gown train can cover up.

***

And after writing that, I just went all Zen and Murphy’s Law. I don’t know what happens after this but I just want to get married. It does not even have to be in a stuffy gown. All the shitty people fade in the background. Because that’s just what they are: WHITE NOISE in the biggest day of my life.

The essentials, you go back to it after you drain your wallet with the expenses and you cry your heart out and feel like buying a punching bag.

And finally, in that state of calm and come-what-may acceptance, you become ready to embrace the real deal of it minus the bullshit that other people threw at you while you were figuring things out. It’s just you, your partner, and God. And nobody else matters even if you are grateful to have them around as the witness to your decision.

At the end of all the hyped up wedding preparations and the fireworks and the flashy outfits, it’s what we are going to do with the rest our lives that mean more. And when you are in a very dark place as you plan your wedding and you cannot kill those ungrateful bitches who make your wedding planning a living hell, you just think of that bigger picture that comes after that big day.

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