Control is so difficult to relinquish in the face of a detailed task. These days, I struggled to just practice this one word: abandonment. It entails letting go but I find myself gripping all the details tighter each second that passes by. Not that I practice this tendency on a daily basis. It just so happened that the present circumstances presented an opportunity for me to hold the reins and micro-manage things to the hilt to the very edge of my sanity.
Right now, I can really say that I have done my best efforts for every conceivable aspect of my life. And if all these efforts fall short or turn out to be not enough for the endeavor at hand, then so be it. I have gripped my mind with so much terror and worst case scenarios already; at this point in time, all I want is to just get a good massage, chill out in a hotel, get a full night’s rest, and basically just accept what is, what is to come, and what has already transpired.
We all make decisions based on our set of principles and schema for our lives. I am totally through the phase where I have to constantly explain myself. A time comes in one’s life where it just becomes pointless to try to explain each detail with ferocity. A time comes in life where it is much much better to just calmly sit back and do a quiet calculation or assessment without ruffling feathers or crazily moving about like a hamster on a wheel. It does not necessarily mean that you have achieved success by youthful standards. Sometimes it just means you have reached a certain age where not having too much control is not an issue.
When I come to think of it, we all approach the age of relinquishing control. My grandparents used to be such strong-willed matriarchs and patriarchs. But when age started to creep in and illness had to find its way in the natural wear and tear, they eventually find themselves wearing things decided for them by their caretakers and children, and doing things they do not necessarily want. Somewhere in the middle, there is that HUGE or massive fight to have the semblance of control.
The truth of the matter is, control is an ILLUSION. Whatever we have obtained from our hard work, it can just as easily be taken away. It’s not to say that effort is not necessary. I guess I just came to realize that effort is hyped in my age. Effort is not tantamount to success, but efficiency is. It means making good returns for less time. And optimizing minimal resources, going round about one’s constraints and not really treating them as constraints but challenges that need to be accepted and worked with to complete or accomplish something. And the sooner I realize and internalize this truth, the more beneficial it will be for me.
This relinquishing of control is not a grounds for passivity. It’s more of a balance between what is realistic and humane vis-a-vis the detrimental ideal that most people like to subject themselves to. I am just going to take it easy within bounds, but still work as hard as I have in the past. I still have my goals and dreams for the future but I am no longer going to drive myself insane or succumb to self-imposed compulsivity just to achieve them.
The mind is a powerful resource and it is dangerous to abuse it. Despite the obstacles, I have gained enough footing to trudge forward and adjust my life plans accordingly. It’s at my friendly pace with a little occasional stretch. And nothing less.
Having said that, I think I need to hit the sack. There has been one too many night where I burned beyond the midnight oil this month just to get things done. I kind of miss just pacing myself in an almost leisurely but ultra-productive way. And I am getting quite tired, it’s no longer optimal to work when one is tired.
So I sleep. In the next sunrise, I work eagerly for what can reasonably be handled for the day that was given.