As I get more mature in life, I am inclined to believe that the circle of full trust gets smaller and smaller until it merely becomes a speck of a minute existence. In younger years, we tend to treat human relationships like trust is an unlimited resource and that there is a bonanza of people who are worth giving that trust to.
Later, things happen. And with these things come the sobering realization that we can no longer go about like unthinking drunkards as we sail through life. We utter words, but we do not lay out all the cards there are especially if the dynamics of relationship with another person has changed. As adults we learn to take boundaries, to know that these boundaries may not apply for other people or may even seem trifling or ridiculous in their perspective.
But those walls, those boundaries, are important. Without a good fortress, one can never consider this world to be a relatively safe place to exist in.
I have somehow learned the skill of talking with a lot of people. But even if I convey the illusion that I am already telling them everything with my “openness” to them, it’s not always the case. I still reserve a great deal of things for my own personal introspection. There are concepts and items that are lodged inside my head, not for public consumption.
It’s liberating to recognize this need to have those walls. Not too much to shut out everyone completely, but just enough so that people will not trample on you like a harmless daisy in the side of a boulevard.
I’ve learned to ascertain the quality of the people who can live with me, and the level of conversation that I am allowed to give to certain people. Some people may think I am quite brazen, but the truth is, I hide around 99 other things for the 1 thing I get to say out loud. I am just very good at giving the impression that I am able to say everything that I want. I do have restraints. There are words beyond the long streams of words I manage to exchange in chat or elsewhere.
It matters little if the person is bound to us by blood or by some other kinship. Trust is never a commodity that can be given freely by virtue of affiliations and common things. I can dare say that sometimes, a handful of friends know me so much more than some members of my family do. It’s just the way it is.
When I get to acknowledge the monstrosities in other people, I tend to appreciate those who do not have that kind of bullshit rolling in my relationship with them. It is absolutely necessary to get the full extent of other people’s darkness so that I can also learn to appreciate another person’s light when I see it in action.
And observing the shit that some people do to me makes me realize that “I do not want to be like this person”
Walls define what is acceptable from what is not acceptable. Sometimes the unacceptable and the unreasonable, like an empty barrel making noise, try to guilt trip us into “accepting” or even being “thankful” for having been handed such lot in life.
Every time someone tries to abuse me, I remember my walls, the walls that surround the circle of trust. And even when I feel bad, I am quite at peace knowing that I can still tell the difference between what’s normal and what is not normal for me.