It’s truly impossible to get to where we are without being revisited by past events, by things that we did not understand then but shaped us to become who we are today. I think this post may seem more like Lent than Christmas but then, it all happened this December for a reason. I just realized that coming full circle, having an epiphany, and taking a higher step towards maturity is something that is welcome for all seasons. I need not wait for Easter or Ash Wednesday to think about these things.
(around a week ago)
I am happy to report that I was finally able to face a person who caused me a slew of panic attacks almost 2 years ago. And I was shocked to find that the person seemed delighted to see me. Some pleasantries were exchanged. There were a few words to say, save for the sincerely meant “I’m happy that you’re fine and Merry Christmas.” I checked my breathing after the encounter and it was very normal. I no longer needed brown paper bags to comfort myself in this person’s presence. I was grateful and relieved that things turned out to be okay for this person and for me.
I also managed to go back to that place where I used to lock myself up and cry for an hour or two. It had zero drama although I had eerily clear memories of the things that happened there. I was even able to stay there for 6 hours straight without disturbing my inner peace. It was not a walk in the park or a cool breeze to go through. But I felt like I needed to experience it at this point in time so that I will know that God has been good enough to be there for me and it did not happen without cause, that things were not as hopeless, that things were not totally in vain. And one more thing: time actually heals all wounds even if it does not seem to show us how we have been progressing as we go through the healing process.
(sometime mid-year and most recently, 15 minutes ago)
In addition, some apologies have been conveyed to me through other people this year. One particular person continues to handle the guilt feelings of hurting me nearly three years ago. I will not deny that I have always considered this person as one of the worst to have arrived at my life. For months, I asked the Lord why He punished me with so much. I wanted to die, I was dead inside, and I became undead. Then, I became alive again.
To the person who apologized: please be at peace. I reiterate that even if I wish you peace, I do not intend to see you now and forever. I hope you can respect that. I believe there is no longer any necessity for our paths to cross. I have gotten your message and I appreciate the apology. But I maintain what I said three years ago: this life I am living now deserves to exist in a manner that is fully divergent from yours, perpetually. I hope you do understand that this is for the best. It may sound so strong from a reader’s view, but you know exactly why this is so.
I cannot deny forgiveness which has been given to me super generously by the Big Guy in the sky. So I forgive you and I wish you well. But I hope that this year’s text message would be the last that I will receive from you albeit indirectly. Enough apologies have been said on the matter and what’s done is done.
I have good reason to believe that you are still able to read this blog. I hope that you recover and I wish you a very good life.
I have received this one message you sent for this Christmas, so please do not send me another one. Merry Christmas to you too for 2013 and all the years to come. It’s really awkward doing it like this, so I’m sorry. But I do not want to see you or make another already uncomfortable person reply to a message that was clearly intended for me.
(around a week ago, again)
I was at a final wake in a funeral when I found a mellowed version of a loved one who has hurt me immensely. I felt no more anger but only sympathy. I will still keep my walls to protect myself from this person.
But I will not forget that the person underneath the painful words and actions is still part of family to me, a person with feelings that need to be treated with as much respect as humanely possible. No matter how much she has hurt me, I cannot deny an embrace at such a time of loss for me and her.
I realized that I can still give a sincere embrace and retain the right boundaries that keep people from crossing the line. Life is far from perfect, but if I can already do this, I think that life has taken a turn for the best.
End of drama. I’m writing something else.