Sometimes I have that weird habit of viewing things in my life as if I am a complete and uninvolved outsider, as if I am watching my life from a distance. As if my daily life is a performance of sorts and I had to evaluate it from the eyes of a voyeur or an uninvolved person.
Because of my prejudices, I tend to view life through a dark looking glass. Dark because it’s painful, dark because I am not perfect, and dark because in my limited vision, I am not bound to see the sense of why things happen the way they do. I just see pain and more pain. I feel like I don’t exist, that I am just like vapor in the dark mist of Freudian slips and sinister things. I’ve been a daughter of the shadows, a regular grief-stricken maiden who always hits the lowest of the lows. And it makes people uncomfortable because these days, only good vibes are trendy and worth reading.
It can sometimes be viewed as harshness or coldness when I am in a state where I am just being realistic and brutally frank. Often, I say what I observe especially when I have observed it happening so many times that the hurt that comes with it can no longer be ignored. No matter how much I love, I could not turn off the head that likes to think and read between the lines.
Years of hard work and numerous experiences have taught me that cold efficiency works when you are just floored and broken in different directions, that feeling hurt for prolonged periods will not get you anywhere at all, and that in life, sometimes you uncover unpleasant answers or truths that can kill. You have to brace yourself for the bombs that explode at the time that you least expect. And try to walk, nay crawl, out it if you still manage to come out of it alive.
So you need to mentally take a distance from yourself and from the ones you love occasionally, with the hope that you can evaluate things for what they are and not for what you desperately want them to become.
They say that truth sets you free. Nobody said that sometimes freedom can crush your heart into a million little indistinguishable pieces. And after you face up to the worst of yourself and worst of the person you have chosen to prioritize and love, you try to live with it.
Many days, I wished that I can just suspend time and keep things in a place of eternal youth and giddyness and appreciation. Try as I might, people and things move in a not so crystal clear or linear fashion. That affectionate man caressing your hair at this very minute may be the very same man barking at you in irritation two years down the road.That very same hand that holds you will later raise those hands in exasperation and say the meanest words that can crush your heart beyond repair.
Even if you beg that this man will stay the same, you know that when you grow old he runs the increased risk of taking you for granted than taking care of you in your old age. Life is so fleeting. People are so fickle and people forget their promises of love so easily. You can only read old love letters and wonder where has love gone and why has it gone so fast?
No matter how many promises people make to the ones they love, there will always come a day where they will forget those promises and destroy everything in a moment of anger and anguish. They will fail you no matter how highly you esteem them or you shower them with love, affection, and best intentions. They can even consider you an enemy even when you only have the best things in mind or in heart.
Even the best lot of them can have the worst fits, and only true love can make you accept that person for his limitations. And sometimes, accepting certain limitations that you never imagined possible, the darkest ones that few microscopic eyes can see, are the worst bitches in the course of trying to sail smoothly in the middle of any meaningful relationship.
Gone are the days where I would head bang to rock music in a makeshift concert hall. Gone are the days where I can just ignore tiny things because I know that these very tiny things can lead to worse things later on if left unaddressed or unattended. These days, it’s just one worry after another. I feel like one day I am going to die choked with worries. I am tired of worrying this much. So I assume a stance of indifference.
And since even when I have assumed a safe position in life, I still feel threatened… I think it’s good to take more risks. Whether you go out in the fields or stay indoors, the same fate befalls us. The sun shines on the wicked and the good, indeed.
Today, I write about this because I think the chasm that connects me to my innermost self and the looking glass has been broken sometime this month.And I don’t know how to go back to how things were. I don’t know how to pick things up after this particular fall. Because some falls are more fatal than others.
There are falls where you still see the pieces lying on the floor and with blood on your hands, you painfully pick them up one by one, get some glue gun and paste them all together.
But there are falls that have pieces of your heart exploding in numerous directions, and honestly, you do not know where those pieces are. They have been taken away by that moment that your love has failed you in a terrible way. And when that happens, there is no more going back, only a going forward.
I better get a hold of my smiling pictures. It is slowly becoming a vintage collection.
Smiles have become rare on this side and at this phase of life.
Hopefully my luck would turn up again. 🙂
April used to be such a lucky month. My first internship in a marketing firm, my first published article for a magazine, and my first ventures in online writing all happened on an April in years past.
But since April 2011, the month has reversed from lucky to absolutely abhorrent.
Still, I’m optimistic. After all, how worse can it get at this lowest point? This cannot get any lower. This is the lowest I can possibly go, emotionally. And like previous instances, I’ll just come up bit by bit. I just need to be patient. And turn away from the looking glass, darkly influencing the way I go about life.
Compared to the years past, I think I have a heightened faculty to accept these phases as they come, until they come no more and reality will once again be better than my dreams.