At this time and age, she knows it’s quite hard to achieve everything materially. She knows she’ll be lucky enough to have enough to pay the bills, help her family have a comfortable life. Her biological clock ticks ominously with the weird nuances of the world’s end. And marriage proposals and activities left and right affirm the frantic frenzy that is her twenty-something age. Soon she will be barren and well, everyone’s getting her to bear more godchildren instead of her own personal offspring to post Instagram pictures with.
She will work her ass out to earn her ass out, but burn her ass out in sickness after one sleepless work night too many. She will see other women more hideous (in attitude) than her get hitched earlier and have cute babies and live the Stepford Housewives lives. She’ll endure all that with the hope that one day, this guy she’s walking with in life will somehow notice how time is flying. She’s hoping that even without saying anything, he’ll deem her worthy to be proposed to in a proper way.
She’d want her man to announce to the world that she is his one and only. She’d want him to be so excited about the prospect of getting married to her that he will overcome many things, even his own upset stomach session and fears just to give her the commitment that she deserves. She will really want his initiative in making these plans. And if in case he makes demands that require her to change the way she runs her life, he will back it up with his own plans, his own changes to his comfort zone that will make it all worth her while. She kind of hopes that he’s more excited than her, that he’d take a bit more risks just to keep her. Because she is taking so much risks in her own life, her career, her entire being, just to keep it all in sync with his ambitions and dreams.
She won’t want the moon or flamboyant weddings that rival those of the Hollywood stars. She’ll just want him to properly pop the question with the decency of a formal ring. A little romance, perhaps. Just a little INITIATIVE from his end to make this work and go somewhere.
She wants to hold on to that ring when she’s not feeling okay with all the work she took and the price she paid just to stay with this man she believes to be her one and only in life. She wouldn’t mind a long engagement for as long as the PROMISE is there. The world may end tomorrow, but at least she takes comfort in the fact that he managed to ask that question and make her feel like she really mattered, that she mattered that much to him.
She won’t want a wedding gown immediately. She can get married in the post office wearing shabby clothes and she’ll be happy for as long as she is marrying him. He is the most important element of a wedding, and few details matter from there, really. And she’ll want him to do this willingly and not just because other relatives are pressuring him to conform to society’s norms.
Or not just because she starts crying because of his lack of solid commitment even as he asks her to shift her entire life for him. Even as he asks him to give up her own advancement and ambitions, she’ll be willing. Because there is a real commitment that comes with a ring. That in it, she’s no longer just a girlfriend, but a real partner in life. It’s like telling her: “Hey I know I had asked you to say yes in being your girlfriend. But I want to make sure that we go somewhere higher and I want this to mark that intention to keep you forever.”
Unfortunately, life is no fairytale at all. She will most likely get half-baked answers and squeamishness and casual questions asked out of the guy’s whim. And painful admissions and numerous reasons of why he can’t do this now, instead of optimistic efforts to make it work against the odds.
And in the end, she realizes that while she built her world around him and made all those crazy decisions at the expense of her own health, he is not quite getting it– the immensity of her love, the brevity of life and existence, and the urgency of being with him at a time where everything seems to be falling apart.
What’s taking so long?
What if the world did end this Friday?
Was he even worth all the crazy things she signed up for?
It matters little if the world ends this Friday. Now she questions herself: Is her ladder actually resting on the right romantic wall?
She realizes with tears in her eyes that she’s practically deluding herself all this time. She should not limit herself but instead start making her own castle, be it here or overseas. Because the things she wants won’t happen anytime soon. Because he continues to take this issue for granted because he has other things to do.
Because she is always there for him and that makes the whole thing so easy for him to take for granted. Why fix what’s not broken? Why propose when I am getting what I want out of her as a girlfriend?
And that’s the painful reality. That we all prioritize getting it all so perfectly done. There’s the myth of having all the money in six digits to afford big weddings you can brag to people about, of having all the answers now, of having all the bases covered for retirement and for having kids.
But in all that concern for the practical details, we lose the person we were supposed to walk the aisle with and grow old with.
We were so busy making all these details perfect, that we didn’t see the perfection of the imperfect person we were supposedly preparing it for just as he or she is in the here and now.
So much for the few good things she wants.
If anything, it’s a sign to just keep moving forward, never looking back. Whether the world ends this Friday or not, she’s starting over and she will love herself more because she deserves it.
And she no longer has to wait in vain because she knows that after this broken session of undeserved pain, she will find the strength within herself to build her own castles, buy her own ring as a PROMISE to herself not to let herself down in this way again and pursue her own path if time permits.
If he can’t be man enough to commit to her in a more tangible way she can hold on to, she’ll be woman enough to accept what has been given and what has not been given of the few good things she wants.
For as long as she knows her worth and values herself well enough to know what she deserves, her waiting will never be in vain.