The Shell State

This post is just me introspecting. This is not another useful post on board exam tips, on love stories (my present upcoming series), relationships or reviews of movies/music. I will post about that soon. This is just an ordinary self-expressive, introspective blog post and I am opening it up to people who may have contrary views, as long as it is provided with love, gentleness, and compassion. πŸ˜‰

As a natural INFP personality type who has later evolved and balanced the P/J parameters, I found solace in reading The INFP Blog. People who are interested in Myer Briggs personality types say that we INFPs are the most stubborn of all when somebody violates our strictly held principles in life. THIS IS SO TRUE! πŸ˜€

One thing I do notice about myself recently is that when someone hurts me so badly and violates a deeply held principle of mine, I end up into a SHELL STATE where I shut them out completely. For example, I opened up a great deal to this person, and then he or she lies to me. The greater the trust given, the deeper the wounds inflicted.

This is not really a good thing to emulate, but this is what I end up doing to that person: I will block him or her out of my entire life and I completely convince myself that this person does not exist. I will cry for a few days out of grief, and then after that, I will completely obliterate that person’s memories in my life. I have to literally forget that person for real. If a common friend mentions him or her, I shut out that part of the conversation like I never heard it. I don’t know how I do it, but I get to do it whenever somebody really harms me in a major, major way.

In fact, my imagination can get so vivid that I actually get to convince myself that it never happened, that he or she never happened, that he or she never mattered. Even if I will be physically moving, breathing and sitting beside that person, I can just internally delude myself into thinking that I don’t know him or her. It has served me well.

But the thing with this “shell state” is that it does not really last forever.

I just stay this way for as long as that person affects me emotionally and for as long as it hurts. When I have already moved on and I am beyond caring for that person, I can eventually remove my shell and welcome him or her back into my life again.

I shall know if it is safe to remove my internal protective shell against that person if I can already look him or her in the eyes and genuinely not have any traces of bitterness against him or her. By then, I am also more completely guarded and I know already who I am dealing with. So if he or she had a tendency to lie to me in the past, my inclination is not to believe him or her all the time when I welcome him or her back in my life. I will deal with him or her in an “adjusted” way.

I recognize that this shell state may be misconstrued as rejection of the person or a lack of openness with other people’s limitations. However, it is a bit of a survival technique for me after so many repeated heartaches in trusting the wrong people. I admit that for a person with a 140 IQ, I am really a poor judge of character. Evil individuals with ulterior motives shall find it very easy to deceive me. Some really good friends help me and warn me when they feel bad vibes for a new person I am hanging out with.

But honestly? I like giving the benefit of the doubt even if it hurts me like hell when they do something to betray that trust later on. But what happens after, the shell state, is something that they get as a consequence. I give everything to the person while he or she is there and put up with as much as I can put up with. But when I say that it’s over and you crossed the line and messed with me, you no longer exist no matter how sweet and chummy we were the day before.

I am just as hard on myself when I fail people and I try my best to compensate when I know for a fact that it was me who messed things up. I don’t have problems owning up to my faults or contributions in a messy relational situation.

Just posting because I am also wondering aloud how people cope with hard situations. I might find some useful insights that can help me change my Shell State into something better.

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