when i was young, there was this slight competition among the kids in our neighborhood. Palakasan ng kurot. Then you just say “weh, hindi naman masakit yan e”.. namumula na balat ko, at nagpapaltos na daliri ko, pero tuloy pa rin ako, ayaw sumuko.
years later in life, when you go through heartaches the size of tsunamis, you will miss those times. and you might even try to fool people: ‘weh, hindi naman masakit yan e” even when namimilipit ka na sa sakit. kunwari lang hindi masakit para walang gulo, para wala silang masabi sayo.
but inside your secret place, when no one is looking, and when you are free to take off your masks and bandages so you can bleed openly, everything falls. “the curtains are down”, sabi nga ni madonna in one of her songs. and you just cry with tears that flow as furiously as Niagara falls on a stormy day.
suddenly all the years flash back into a single solid, sordid sorry story of life replete with heartaches, with frustrations and with romantic failures. complete with pigging out to the nearest fast food for comfort.
and the reason why my heart is completely shelled up to the possibility
of new love is because i have this mindset that my one great love has
passed, and it will never happen again.
and in fact, it might actually
be true and i will end up a giant spinster as a result, with a broom
and a witch-like laugh “heeeeheeeeeeheee”
it’s convenient to say “okay lang ako”, “weh hindi naman tlaga masakit e” or “nakalimutan ko na siya. hindi ko na siya mahal”. those are just words for convenience, so people will stop asking and so you can just be left alone to your affairs.
pero hindi mo maloloko ang sarili mo kung yun talaga ang nararamdaman mo