has the prime of my life just passed by me? or am i just on my way to getting to the peak of my life?
can’t really tell, you know.
this is just one of those days where i am trying to objectively assess where i currently stand in life.
i fell in love and got broken, became lax and fell with my academic performance, thrived in my earnings from writing jobs but eventually fell back on my writing commitments because i could not say no to anything quite easily. i messed up, went back. i went to inferno in all levels and i just had all my major belief systems challenged.
and then, what comes next?
yesterday, while i was sitting on nat sci 2 class with a bunch of hopeful freshmen, i was trying my very best not to burst their idealistic bubbles or be a “bad” influence to UP’s fresh meat. mwehehehe. so i just opted to stay out of place and in character of a helpful ate as they tried to sort their issues and ask me between breaks who the best profs are, what subjects to avoid etc.
currently, i am slimming up for my grad pic due anytime next month. so while i thought of a creative shot within my capacity and budget to prepare for, i feel this surreal quality. i am already getting to that place where most people my age have already breezed through years ago. i fell behind.
but it wasn’t all that bad. for it tested me. and more importantly,? it tested the people i’m with as well. those who stayed are miraculous blessings.
so many things changed since the first day i stepped in UP’s grounds.
factor in property disputes and you’ve got yourself a microcosm of Philippine politics: backstabbing, sugarcoating, campaigning and using God as shield from personal accountabilities for shady deeds done. no wonder the Philippines is so corrupt. you don’t even have to look too far in the family to check out traditional politicians. Just bring in the flyers for pizzazz.
i just emerged, after 6 years, wary and a bit weary of people. but i still think that some deserve to be given some slack in matters of trust.
my years in college and high school was mostly about trying to fit in. but in the end, i just realized that if you can’t love yourself first, you won’t know where you will best fit.
now, still an outsider to my affiliations in life, i have come to mellow and accept them, not try to change myself so i could fit in to them. such a wonder i made such a big deal out of fitting in when the people i wanted to fit in to didn’t really give a damn about me. it’s such a waste of time, but a lot of people do it.
but i would be open to a group that would take me in, if i do fit in someday. but for the meantime, i’ll just try to be content in being a misfit.
i guess, beneath the chuckles i send out in view of the freshmen’s idealistic views on life, i also have some traces of idealism left in me somehow. and that’s very, very good.