Many people tell me I am beautiful. But who am I? What am I made of? He said…
“I don’t really know…
But all I know is that
For awhile I considered it- and I just had come to a point where I realized that what you said about me is true and accurate at that time.
And it was both a blessing and a curse!
Lovely, who doesn’t want to be called that?
But beyond being lovely is a hunger to be really known for who I really am, not for what he merely saw in me.
Yes, I have colors, lots of them in my experiences. I have fancy working, swirling bits and pieces that move in different directions…
I attract men. I attract men who are as shallow as their native eyes can penetrate.
But I what I want the most is for a man to seek beyond that visual circus. Veer away from the lights, veer away from the movements that make me “lovely” in the shallow man’s eyes.
And see me, the real me despite of, in spite of and amidst all that show of shades against a dark background of my past.
So many people want to own me, liking me for the wrong reasons, without any effort whatsoever to really figure me out.
A wall exists between the eyes of his heart and my true self. They don’t meet. Because his lustful eyes were busying itself in devouring the illusion of my pretty face. And at that time, I caved in and gave in.
I gave in not because he was worthy.
I gave in because I embraced his shallow perspective of who I am. Because I was so lazy to open my own eyes to see beyond my show of colors and see my true self.
And I continued to spin and to spin, bits and pieces of my life falling apart to oblivion as I continued to dance to what he thought I was…
I stuck to the tag “lovely” and “nothingness”. I reveled in the thought of aimless beauty.
But then the eternity from within commanded something more. I started to seek more.
And as I started to seek more, he no longer wanted to be with me. He no longer wanted to be with a kaleidoscope who is getting tired of being a mere kaleidoscope.
And he left.
I lost him.
But in losing him, I gained myself.
I realized who I am.
I realized that the colors are just bonuses.
And as always, I continue to spin, but now with direction. With a fire from within that fails to be quenched, continually seeking for that man who will see beyond what his lustful eyes can see.
Seeking for that man who will look at me with the eyes of his heart…and tell me that I’m lovely for the right reasons.
Until then, I continue to spin…
And spin away from guys like him who did nothing to help me find myself.
And I saw many other kaleidoscopes like me everywhere, spinning to please men, spinning to earn accolades, to be called beautiful regardless of emptiness… Showing off colors without really knowing that their lives are being thrown out carelessly and aimlessly in the air.
And when the show is over, all that’s left is the dark background..
I hope every kaleidoscope sees her worth and stop spinning without aim for something which is popular but shallow.
EVERY KALEIDOSOPE IS PRICELESS, WHETHER OR NOT SHE KNOWS IT.