it was raining during the past week, and i endured another hell-raising registration in UP Diliman. At least, I got lucky with the CRS thingy. It could have been worse for me…
after 15 months of being together with gilbert, it’s over.
just. like. that.
of course it hurts. that was the second serious relationship i’ve had. and he was the recordholder for staying that long…
it was unlike any other break up i’ve had. this one was peaceful and we remained friends. after all, it was a mutual decision to part ways for awhile and have our space.
we just sat there at my room’s sofa, and we were talking. i was there, fidgeting with my fingernails and playing with my stuff while talking to him. i just couldn’t look him in the eye while i was telling him the things that have been making me unhappy in our relationship for quite some time now. i was afraid my eyes would betray me and i’d collapse into tears even before i finish my piece.
i did cry, eventually. i always did. i’m sick of crying. i hate myself for crying.
so when he went home, i went out to vent here in my blog just to stop the tears from falling. i don’t want to mope. i don’t want to wallow in self-pity. the world moves on. life goes on. the world’s affairs are not centered on me. so i might as well stop centering on my pain. that’s a sucker.
and just like what morrie schwartz said, i need to detach. okay, this is fear. i’m going to feel this fear and this pain, then i’m going to detach myself from it.
i was kinda surprised and hurt when he told me that he was just as unhappy with me. so i had to say: ‘what are we doing pa? why are we still together if we’re both unhappy naman pala… i think we need time to grow… apart from each other.”
love is not in question with this kind of relationship. there was no doubt to the fact that i loved him dearly and vice versa. it’s just that i think we’re on bad timing. he’s just starting to spread his wings independently and here i was, nurturing him and killing his growth in the process. i love him too much to hold him in my arms when i know it meant not being able to give him the space he truly deserves. and it would be selfish of him to keep on holding me when he knows that he is not yet capable of that very thing i seek- a long- lasting relationship.
that was a painful admission of truth. we were living in a fantasy that we could work it out when we are at different stages of dating. i am not in for further dillydally and i want someone with whom i can anchor to and settle with in the future. he wants someone who can patiently wait until he fully outgrows his immaturity. we’re walking parallel lives.
Fate had been so cruel because as we were talking, the very song i sang to him on the day we became i couple was playing on the radio. to think our fifteenth monthsary is supposed to have been four days away. we were watching Big Fish on TV after that, just so we could silently absorb the turn of events. it was a good movie. I almost didn’t want to stop watching because I know what would happen next. He’d leave and I don’t know until when, or if he’ll come back, or if it’ll work between us in the future. It just hurts to think that he might not be the one for me, but I have to accept that possibility.
As he started fixing his things, he just kept saying sorry to me. I was saying the same thing. I felt so bad. We were both trying to make each other happy but we keep on messing it up, anyway.
Lots of my friends were surprised that we broke up. After all, we looked like we’ve got it all settled at the outset. Well, sometimes it just doesn’t work that way.