FROM STAR TO STAR MARGARINE: A REMINISCIENCE
Life before college versus life after college
Dati: my daily ritual is gumising ng umagang umaga (read: 4 am!), kain almusal, ligo, tutbrash, pasok sa Laco ng super aga at maghintay ng 1 hour or more until mag-bell, makinig sa teacher at magpaka-nerdo, umuwi sa bahay, manood ng TV Patrol, mag-aral ng konti, matulog… repeat cycle from Monday to Friday except during vacation. Saturday and Sundays include TV marathons, ogling my crush who doesn’t seem to know that I exist (my charming powers weren’t activated then) and sighs here making bantay the tindahan which my mom used to own. I spend 99.9% of the time at home.
Ngayon: no such thing as a ritual exists! i try my best to wake up in time for my first class, run from deadlines to deadlines, hop into my different commitments, worry to death, pressure myself with impossible requirements, cram, miss some meals and overeat in some others – the latter I tend to overdo every now and then, gimmicks right and left, and CONCERTS at night. I also do some more extra curricular activities I wouldn’t be comfortable with if my parents found out. I spend more time outside than in my home.
Dati, I worry about getting a grade below 85 and not making it in the honor roll.
Ngayon, I worry about not being able to graduate on time and making more singkolets than I could afford to make.
Dati, ako ang pambato ng eskuwelahan namin.
Ngayon, pambato pa rin naman, pero di na gaya ng dati.
Dati, hindi ako nagpapakamatay sa aral pag may exam.
Ngayon, kahit mamatay ako araw-araw hindi ko maitaas-taas ang grade ko.
Dati, nadi-display ng tatay ko ang mga report cards ko at lahat ng kamag-anak ko ay nakakaalam ng kaliit-liitang detalye, maging ung rating sa likod ng card (honesty: VS, neatness: S… mga ganon may legend legend chuva pa remember?)
Ngayon, naghahanap na ako ng pagbabaunan ng mga classcards ko at dinadahilan ko sa tatay ko na maysakit ako para wag lang makita ang grades ko.
Dati, gusto kong makapasok sa UP
Ngayon, gusto kong lumipad sa langit.
Dati, ako ang STAR
Ngayon, ako ang STAR… margarine.
What happened in between? I can’t really tell. All I know is that many things have changed. I’m just glad a few good friends remained despite these changes. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t seem to recognize myself anymore. My life had been once predictable and safe, but it had been just as boring. Now, it’s just a mess of sorts and I can’t seem to find the pieces that make up my life. But it’s fun and enriching, messy as it may be for now.
Maybe some of the stuff I’ve written above made it appear as if I’ve grown badly. Truth is, I realized that there’s no such thing as a black and white in life… it’s usually a gray area—where you can never classify yourself whatsoever if you’re in the good side or the bad side. In my case, I’m just in between. But I like to think I’ve elevated someplace where I’m trying to grope at the balance between having fun and being responsible enough at the same time.
I had been too responsible in high school. I still am now, but I just can’t seem to get the fun out of it most of the times. I just can’t seem to make my gimmicks and my work load fit into the 24-hour days God gave us. And I have no right to complain, because God gave the same time table with people like Einstein, Mother Teresa and Bill Gates. They seem to have fulfilled their life’s purpose. They seem to have been able to juggle the fun and the technicalities. How I wish God can just hand over to me the answers in a single silver platter from the sky. But that’s impossible. That’s not the way to live life.
How does one live life and strike the balance ba? That’s one thing I need to find out, because it’s what makes people successful and happy, not merely wealth, grades, a high-paying job or a healthy love life.
FENG SHUI AND MY LIFE: COINCIDENCE OR TRUTH?
if i’ll be basing my home’s positioning under feng shui principles,
SOBRANG MALAS TALAGA.
take a look at the “rules” i’ve been breaking
for quite a time and tell me what you think:
1. according to sir andy, NEVER put yourself under the staircase
because you will bear the brunt of the home, along with all the
problems – well, guess what my room just happens to be underneath the
sole staircase in our compound, with all my school stuff and my bed
in it! talk about inhabitation to the most negative place in the
home. ang sabi pa niya sakin after the seminar, naramdaman daw niya
sa aura ko even when i’m animated and smiling, na hindi ako nawawalan
ng problema at ako ay martyr at workaholic (how true is that?) dahil
nasa ilalim ng hagdan ang kwarto ko…at sabi no matter how hard i
try ay babagsak ako sa mga subjects ko kapag nag-aaral ako… to
think na hindi naman ako nagsabi sa kanya ng mga problema ko sa buhay
at first time ko siyang nakilala kanina, it’s convincing me na baka
totoo nga ang mga sinabi niya or talagang PSYCHIC siya… goal: must
find new spot to dump my stuff into ASAP.
2. never put flowers or birds (real or artificial) because it invites
confusion in relationships, especially the romantic sort- even to the
point of inviting third parties. well, i’m confused all right, and
i’ve got like a whole bunch of artificial flowers in my room and some
bird figurines from debut parties i’ve attended which i intend to
burn when i get home after i surf the net for awhile. malay ko bang
malas sila! they’re cute, but if they’re sabotaging my relationships
i have to kill them.
3. never put your bedroom near the CR because all the yang (positive)
energy is sucked up and flushed out in the elements of water… e
pucha to the tenth power dahil bukod sa nasa ilalim na ng hagdan ang
kwarto ko, nasa tabi pa ng banyo… no wonder i feel oh so heavy…
goal: move out of house at matulog saan? sa monumento kaya?
4. malas sa negosyo ang mga pintong magkakatapat… may tindahan
pinsan ko nakadikit sa bahay at tapat tapat ang pintuan dun.. lousy
business? you bet… it’s so true… ano pa ba, ung kwarto sa
apartment nakatapat sa pintuan CR namin. sobrang BAD FENG SHUI.
5. never make elements of fire and water face each other because
there will be so much disharmony in the inner and interpersonal
relationships of the people living in it… guess what? magkatapat
ang refrigerator at oven namin sa bahay. at syempre asahan mo
nakatira dito sa bahay namin si pasaway na ako, ang pinsan kong
pasaway, ang kapatid kong pasaway at ang stepfather kong pasaway.
lagi kaming magkagalit ng kapatid ko at lagi kaming may problema ng
6. never put too many mirrors in the bedroom because it invites
negative elements in the room. touhg luck, coz my dad and sister’s
room has three full-body length mirrors in it.
anim pa lang yung natandaan ko pero marami pa na parang ako na ung
tinamaan ng buong feng shui seminar na yun…at masasabi ko lang
ipapagiba ko na yata ang bahay namin para pumasok ang swerte.
but i think the best thing i had in that seminar is the fact that
andy tan actually talked to me… me without having to say anything
about the things going on around me- HE JUST KNOWS! it’s amazing when
you meet people like that- they can read minds! well, at least he got
to read me accurately! take heed on what he told me after the seminar
”you know what iha, you should move out of that room na. it’s giving
you so much burden na. not many people might see it, but people like
me sense the way you grope with many things everyday. it’s a wonder
how you’re surviving those with all the yins (negative energy) you’ve
been absorbing. it’s enough to kill an armada. a simple windchime
won’t be able to cure the pains it’s causing you… you really need
to move out. the weight of the negative energy is crushing you to
misery… sayang, you have so much potential pa naman at nakukulong
ka jan… iha makinig ka if that’s the only thing i will have to tell
you. you have what it takes to make it big. USE IT.”
well? he’s a very kind man. encouraging. felt like hugging him kanina
kasi naman YOU’LL NEVER CARE HOW MUCH SOMEONE KNOWS UNLESS YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE CARES. and there was a certain tinge of sincerity in his
words that made me think: “hey, he may be right.”
i’m willing to try it out. i mean, malay natin swertehin na talaga
ako. mawala ang bagsak ko… mawala ang gulo… para sumaya naman ako at mas magka-sense ang mga post ko! maybe i’d need to rant less sa blog ko and get to do more work, and fullfill the ambitions i’ve long been nursing.
i’ve got so many ambitions… i want to learn how to paint and make
caricatures and dance (yuck… frustrated… hahaha)… i want to
learn French, Spanish and Italian and travel the world post-
graduation… i want to write my own book and inspire many people…
and i want to have ten husbands, one in each of the first ten
countries i visit… hahahaha joke lang ung huli ha.
sabi nga nila, wag mo na tipirin pag nangangarap ka.
with the way things are going, they’re just going to remain as that-
DREAMS- and not a reality unless i get my act together. unless i
change. unless i let go and live.
Some stuff I’ve learned…
Sembreak gave me a chance to catch up on readings. And I read so much. Here are some things that struck me most…randomly, i must say…
Sometimes you hold on. Sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes you don’t wish to get involved even though it’s clearly love that you feel. Sometimes you just want to love the person from afar, afraid of hurting, or getting hurt. Oftentimes, you love and want the person to be happy, even if it means that you’re out of the picture. Even if it means your misery.
Sometimes you love a person, but that doesn’t automatically mean that person is your soulmate. Oftentimes, you love but you’re not assured that person is the one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. You give all your love for the time being, anyway. There are always fears and fears, but the greatest failures and the greatest tragedy comes only when you hold back. And yes, you may love more than one person at a certain time, that’s very much normal, but you can only have one to work it out with in the long run. You may look at other people, but at the end of the day, there’s just that one person you run to, that person with whom you have shared your innermost dreams and passions. Love comes in different degrees and may vary over time. Loving more than one only becomes wrong when you fail to stick to your guns and compromise everything just to get everything you want. Life doesn’t work that way.
Sometimes you just have to be true. Sometimes you have to hide. Wisdom comes to those who know when to be true and when to hold back. Generally, it is in being truthful that you learn and live in the truest sense of the word.
Too much love can smother. And like many things, the only response you get when a person stuffs things at your throat is rejection. A person can get threatened, feel manipulated, cheated or deprived of the right to be free when you hold them too tightly.
But try to hold a person too lightly, and they’ll just slip away from your fingers out of feeling neglected and ignored. Too little love is just as bad.
Tightly, lightly… which is which?
The answer is none. Because you don’t hold love at all. You let it flow, like some sort of energy that passes from person to person. You just let it in. Because the more you close the door of your heart, the harder it gets to know what you truly want and decide whether to pursue it or let go of it.
If you love someone but that person doesn’t love you back, express your love. Love and love until it hurts no more. But don’t expect to be loved back. Know your place from the very start. And maybe, just maybe, someday, you can truly let go, move on and find another person who you can love and love you back as well. Hope, don’t expect.
If you don’t love a person who loves you, just let the person express what he or she feels for you, but set the limits right from the very start. Give the person a chance, maybe he or she is the one you’ve been looking for all along but you were just too confused to see it initially. Don’t openly reject a person bluntly, unless he or she has done something that’s causing too much trouble to you or anyone close to you in the name of that love. Reject as you want to be rejected- – and that is, with respect and gentleness.
When you can’t do anything else to improve the situation, you realize that the self is the only thing that’s truly within your control. You can’t control feelings, you can’t control other people’s responses or feelings towards you… but you can strive to look beyond the imperfections.
Don’t hold back and be yourself. And cherish the small things. Someday, you will realize they might just be the big things, after all… ]]>