15

May

Shutting Down
the Blogging Playground

The blog is almost three years old on a dot com, and I have posts from as far back as 2004 consolidated from old blogs of my youth.

But honestly, I am reaching a certain decision that I am still 80% ambivalent about. I am thinking of saying goodbye to Helena, this personal blog, permanently so that I can make way for something else, whatever that something is in the offline world.

This is one of the last things I have online, given that I already extinguished my Facebook and Twitter accounts, social media presences which used to be bustling with life and action.

I just think that if ever I am going to write again, it should no longer involve using my real name so that people can just fully evaluate the quality of what I write apart from who I am as a person. So that I can be free to really write what’s on my mind, to write in a way that does not have any unnecessary societal pressures to conform. Because much of what I write here is very much hindered by the knowledge that people know who I am when I write it. I find it most ironic that my very own self gets in the way of the things which I want to convey, in the way I want to shape my manner of writing. But that’s what’s happening lately.

Anyway, I’m keeping this up for now. I don’t really know what to do yet. :-) But I’m probably saving word file after word file of my old blog posts before I shut it down and give a permanent downloadable link for a complete digest of my board exam tips. That I promise.  :-)

 

 

9 days ago Short URL 8 Comments

Wordplay

13

May

Workaholic Woes

To say I am busy is an understatement. But I don’t count it an achievement when personal things are being affected by this busyness. Last week was particularly rough on my personal life. I missed three important events in my friends’ lives: my inaanak’s first birthday celebration, a good friend’s wedding last Thursday, and a multiple-time failed attempt to visit my bestfriend’s sister in the UST Hospital after a scary excessive bleeding episode. (To top that off, my friend MD had his flight to the US middle of this week and I did not even get a chance to meet with him before he left. Sniff.)

The last one of the three things, I actually fought for three straight nights against rush hour and election traffic but to no avail. Sadly or not sadly, I don’t have the luxury of time to feel horrible for a long time because this week has been SPINNING with crazy things. I just basically feel numb and I know that something is very wrong with my time these days.

This weekend, I just decided to let go of the limitations I had last week and decided to focus on personal matters for a change. I chose to visit my aunt in Mary Johnston Hospital, do something for my mother on Mother’s Day (come home to see her, for starters!), and visit the father I have not visited for almost 7 weeks. I was certain my father is already close to disowning me given the small time I give him these days. Fortunately, he is still there and he still loves me as of 12 noon today.

Three personal decisions this weekend did not cancel the three non-decisions. I’m spent. I’m spread too thin. And I’m not close to finishing things because they all just decided to combine their deliverable and due dates this month, for some twisted reason.

And then I think about why this urban culture is so heavy with work hours (why I did this to myself), and if I could have gotten an alternative career that would have allowed me to be there for my friends when they need me or be there when they want me to celebrate with them.

Some days, I don’t recognize myself anymore. It’s like I am in this very subhuman state of mind where it’s all really just about getting things done. It’s not even problems with a particular client or my boss.On the contrary, I am in a very good place.

It’s more of me being the main problem as a worker, with my inability to say no and my propensity to jampack my calendar like there is no tomorrow. I need to streamline my very own self and go back to a simpler lifestyle, similar to the one I had in years prior.

And sadly, people get under those things that need to be done. I just feel like I am violating my life’s principles lately and I need to revisit those principles again. I used to put in my CV that I am for work-life balance but I never really have the guts nor the resources to pull it off, you know. I just let tasks roll over me and now I am crushed beneath all the weight of it.

I ask myself if this is all worth it? I envision a different thing when I imagine my future, and while I cannot share it here, I must say that changes have to be made sooner or later to make those dreams a reality and not a distant and irrelevant figment of my imagination.

That might cause me a lot of self-absorption. But if it gets me to the very bottom of things, I’d be willing to temporarily shut out the entire world just to figure things out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12 days ago Short URL Comments

Thoughts/Workaholic

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10

May

Valpros and Angelakos

“You can live your life, you can do mostly anything, but only after you take care of yourself.” -Michael Angelakos of Passion Pit

There was a time when bipolar disorder maintenance medication were only for the rich few, for their prices are sky high even for the most basic generic brands.At the time, it’s easy to die by hanging or by train suicide.

In comes Unilab with their offer of a local version called Valpros. When you’re bipolar, you lessen the risk of the increasing incidences of joining recent MRT suicide graduates by taking Valpros. (Your hands do get shaky and other stuff happens but what matters is that you can function well, in general. I tried not taking it and weighing the effects of the episode versus the side effects, I think I’m fine with pill-popping, baby.)

The jagged little pink pill, as I like to call it, is a very good mood stabilizer and also maintenance medication for people with epileptic seizures. I don’t understand why epileptics and bipolar people have the same meds. But they do, and here’s a funny picture taken by my friend Homer with the pink pill and me:

pink pill

A very outspoken bipolar patient named Michael Angelakos, vocalist of the band Passion Pit, recently received an award. It was called the Beatrice Stern Award for “putting a positive face on mental illness.” You can check out the video and details by clicking here. In the band’s album Gossamer, one of the songs (entitled Take a Walk) was dedicated to the manic phase of bipolar disorder. It was a good song. Very manic song. Very relatable.

After watching Angelakos talk about his therapy, I cried a lot because I felt how hard it was and yet, he succeeded. Also, he is undergoing some experimental electro-shock therapy, was forced to cancel some concert tours at the worst of his episodes, and basically had a rough phase where everything was dark and dreary.I now promise to buy all his albums, the real ones, because proceeds go to an institution that caters to people with bipolar disorder.

During his acceptance speech of his awesome award, he dedicated most of the stuff to his wife. He said that his wife was instrumental to his recovery. Awwww. God, the standard for men has just raised by 1 million notches there.

It totally affirms what I believe that people with mood disorders just need a little extra love than the average person… The stigma is so strong. Society is so harsh about mental illness and those who do not have it (or THINK that they do not have it!) judge those who have it so easily. Well, let me tell you, it’s not easy. But with many happy thoughts, I think most of the clouds can go away with the right dose of Valpros, the infinite dose of love loving, and the inspiration of people like Michael Angelakos.

 

Image credits: Engr. Homer Pagkalinawan

14 days ago Short URL Comments

Health + Exercise

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