It’s been awhile and I am still undergoing the same issue of my website being compromised or hacked by some form of malware. 
Too bad; I was really in the mood to genuinely post something monumental (at least for me, it is).
You can still check my ramblings out at helen-mary.tumblr.com. XoXo.
It’s been a year since my diagnosis. I would love to say I am already free of the disorder but I feel it more keenly now than ever. Since then, I have learned to somehow accept who I am and what this disorder has done to my personality. I still have moments where I wish that I did not have this illness. But I just keep trying to move forward and advance in spite of it.
Around a month ago, I was rushed to the emergency room four times in a single week because of panic attacks that ensued from an uncontrolled manic phase. I was strongly advised, nay, pushed to resign from my job. Most therapists recommend that people with this disorder, in order for their therapy to work, work on a part-time basis or at least on a less stressful environment (i.e. no excessive overtime or killer deadlines). I disobeyed the recommendation, and I am miraculously surviving thanks to those short but sweet visits to EDSA shrine each morning before I go to work.
Basing from that limitation, I have to say that I am a suicidal person for keeping my current job. At one point, I just wanted to throw in the towel and look for an easier job. I googled “bipolar workers in the corporate world” and “bipolar at work” in an effort to find people like me. I found some useful sites, but it was not enough to paint a picture of what a bipolar lifestyle in a demanding job looks like. It’s hell on earth on some days, and utopia on the others. There is hardly an in between.
So what’s it like so far?
For one, my medications are making me so hungry and fat and a little older. These side effects break my heart. So far, I have tried Valpros, Epival, and Depakote. They are all monsters that keep me from writing with a steady hand. I can’t even hold a glass of water steadily. I get hungry, and when mixed with asthma medication I even got some mild seizure attacks. I tried not taking my medications from November last year to February but the panic attacks got worse and I really fell apart even at work. Today, I just settle with eating minimal rice to help cancel the Depakote pounds. And well, I accepted the fact that they are maintenance medication until I decide to get pregnant and/or survive without having fulltime work.
Second, career advancement in a corporate or office setting is a daily mountain to climb. There are days when I risk bursting into tears while seated in my office desk. I get so self-absorbed that I don’t get to read the verbal cues of my bosses or colleagues. These things can get misinterpreted easily. Sometimes, I get so spaced out because my neurons are all dried out (this is also the reason why bipolar patients are required a full 8-10 hours of sleep each night) in the middle of the day. And even mild forms of work pressure become an emotional trigger that explodes inside and makes me suffer in an indescribable depth. Sometimes, I tend to overthink, misinterpret, and blurt out strange stuff in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation. This is also why I prefer to just keep quiet, lest I say something wrong and embarrass myself.
Third, coffee and alcohol intake is out of the question. Night outs with colleagues have to be declined; sleepiness has to be combated with water and little else. I cannot collect Starbucks stickers without risking another emergency room trip. This is supposedly healthy living but there is little good health in the bipolar mind.
When I am in a manic mood, I can do a lot of things on the job. But once I swing to the other end, I am just a walking zombie. I count it to God’s goodness that I manage to get to work and survive on those low days. The zigzag pattern of my moods is quite tiresome to track so I trashed the mood diary and switched to just crying when sad and laughing when I am happy.
One year in the treatment and one would think that there is progress. Awareness, perhaps.
There is still that inner demon luring me to jump off the building when it hurts so bad, or go AWOL on my job, abandon my loved ones, change my sim card, and live in an obscure place where I can no longer be traced. I have just learned to face him, anyway. And I fight him back every single day, tears on my face and prayers in my head. He is invisible to everyone else, but so real to me.
I guess year one taught me one thing: Facing my inner demons.
For year two, I will work on killing them one by one.
Where do I find the great and appropriate in-between of being mature enough to handle what the world throws and still being young enough to pursue what I want?
Years ago, I made a promise to myself that I will never let the little girl in me go. But I held on to her too much, to the great demise of many other things in this increasingly adult life. Reluctantly, I hide the little girl and let her roam free on weekends.
The in-between question haunts at me unceasingly as I go through the motions of daily proletarian life. I live in a world where earning bread is tantamount to throwing hours and hours of one’s life, to working until one drops. And as employment statuses and financial statuses rise and fall around me, I find myself compelled to stay afloat in this workaholic culture of our making. The digital age just does not allow people to take time to smell the flowers these days. But I am grateful for this demanding environment for it does not take less than the best out of me and makes me raise the bar for myself.
When I am thinking of evaluating my current status, it’s like I am supposed to choose between extremes of work hard-party hard’s prose or unsullied freelancing poetry. It’s been years and my struggle has remained the same. And I remain undecided, because I believe that I am asking this question too early in life.
I no longer want to crush my skull with ruminations and an unsettled quandaries. So I settle for settling one thing at a time, one step at a time, and one day at a time. And let the chips fall as they may.
I have to accept that I may not have enough time to do everything that I want because I want too many things. And this vice of wanting too much can lead to my undoing if unregulated. But I will be limitless in my dreaming, nonetheless. And work very hard and hope that I achieve them all in God’s time.
I commit to just focusing on one theme or one task for the year in my professional pursuits. This year, I decided that it’s going to be mapping in line with contributing to helping improve public transport. And everything else falls into the background or as supplements for now, including my oxygen of writing.
I will write as I always have, for I will die without it. But I will not let it get in the way of what I have set out in my heart and mind to do.
It feels good to finally arrive at this crusade, at this decision. I struggled for months to find out what I want out of my career.
Initially, I thought I wanted an editor’s career ladder. But I have seen other paths which seemed to suit my engineering, writing background and supreme OCness to details. To top it off, it’s geared at helping build a competent database that is at par with technological data management standards.
Authentic service for the country that matriculated me in a sort-of mapping course for seven years is not something to be taken lightly, so the little girl has to content herself with letting herself go on weekends and aiming to be as tenacious as a bull on weekdays until I get this done.
When I was in college, I was looking for various ways to make money and I had a host of rakets that got me through especially during rough financial times. One of my most prominent sources of income at the time was writing articles in the Internet for multiple clients. I started out with humble pay and eventually branched out into other rewarding projects like magazine articles and academic research work. I will never regret the time I have invested in writing articles and making money out of doing what I have loved since I was a little girl. And I echo the following tips to help people who want some extra income online through writing articles.
Research and find content buyers. This is the most challenging part for beginners, in my opinion. Finding the perfect fit involves getting a buyer who appreciates the type of content that you are selling. Sometimes, you have to adjust to what’s currently in demand. But as you eventually gain writing experience and expertise, your choices become many and you can even choose to write what you love and discard the others. But in my experience, writing about topics that I love and topics that I dislike add dimension to my skill and enable me to be really proficient. Writing then became more than a passion but a discipline that I do whether or not I find the topic rewarding or not.
Hone your writing skills. There won’t be much to sell if there are no writing skills to begin with. My journey with writing began when I first developed a passion for reading books. It came to the point where distinguishing a well-read writer from an average one was already instinctive. I practiced the art of crafting as often as I possibly can. I read books, listened to other writers that I respect, and try to break free from my usual style every once in a while.
Sell yourself. In the earlier years, I did a hard selling of my skills to buyers of content. It was not easy; there were times that I even got scammed by those who take advantage of fledgling online writers who are not able to distinguish a good deal from a a bad one. I learned to position myself well in the markets that I have chosen. Eventually, they remember and keep the communication lines open without me having to try too hard to prove myself; you know that you have positioned yourself fairly well when you have writing projects to choose from regularly without having to really risk a leg and an arm just to have it.
Align your style. One of the things I have learned is that not all content buyers will be satisfied with my outputs. I have learned to find clients who are happy with my writing style. This perfect match does not always happen. Most of the time, it is the writer who adjusts to the client’s needs.
Use it; don’t lose it. Probably one of the most useful advice I have when it comes to developing the ability to write articles and make money out of it is to use it continuously. Even when I am really busy, I do my best to make time for writing for fun and for profit. It helps keep my sword in shape, so to speak. And I am sure that people who do this regularly will reap the fruits of seeing an evolution of writing style and improvement in the writing projects that one qualifies for!